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white pearls accumulated in the finest arc

he loved her smile, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d fiddle the arc into a line

when she appreciated someone else’s humour.

rainbow walked on the road wearing high-heeled boots

he loved her style, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d burn her fashion with scoffs

when the deep neckline would be too revealing for him.

smiles, slangs and sarcasm seared together

he loved her wit, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d accuse her for giving hints

when the same wit appealed to other men.

rush of vibrance and vitality filled the dreary room

he loved her company, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d ruthlessly rob her of herself

when he’d advocate his monopolistic rights over her.

sensuality, rhythm and exuberance no longer remained abstract

he loved her dance, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d subtly hold her guilty by sulking

when his weren’t the hands that she harmlessly touched while dancing.

frail shoulders never wavered from the weight of big dreams

he loved her ambition, he proclaimed

little did she know

he’d be the one with the pursed smile

when she beat him unabashedly at his own game.

 

   I wanted to tell you that your love was suffocating me,

but the sentiments in my heart swarmed up my throat and

all the words got stuck in the

lump

that I swallowed bitterly.  

Surrender

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Sometimes, despite all the efforts, you seem to be losing, losing out on everything that you ever desired. Darling, don’t ever underestimate the power of surrendering to the situation. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you wiser.

 Surrender.

They might tell you to fight until your last breath, fight until it no longer hurts, fight till you emerge out victorious.They’ll also tell you how to sit, along with a zillion other things. They’ll tell you all with intricate details and explicit emphasis. They’ll keep a close watch on you following them all diligently. And then they’ll judge you for not doing it in the manner it was taught. Your indifference will frustrate them as it’s something that they were themselves incapable of depicting. There they are, guilty of never listening to themselves, victims of some other teacher, teaching others to vindicate their guilt. 

Her ambitious soul did try to

anticipate the future but in

vain as she knew that life

wasn’t going to be even close to

what she’d expect it to be. Yet

she was contented as for the first

time she gave herself to Him

willingly and completely. And

surprisingly, she found relief

in resignation. A relief that

comforted her beyond measure.

A relief that she had silently

yearned for. A relief that could

only be experienced when you

surrender yourself to Him and

find yourself totally secure in

His hands. And she slept a happy

girl that night, dressed in love,

wrapped in a blanket of security

on a pillow of dreams and with a

smile that could calm the most

demonic fury.

 

Undefined

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With the air brushing past their faces, they both looked in the same direction. His chin rested on her left shoulder, he pulled her closer, holding her by her left arm. He turned his head sideways, delving deeper into her refreshing smell. She smiled contagiously for no reason and because she smiled, he smiled.

With utmost diligence, he removed a twig from her hair and while doing so he said, “I feel like spending a day with where I can just play with you, do your hair, pamper you, pull your chubby cheeks until they turn red, look at you until you fall asleep, look at you even when you’re asleep, hug you without any hush to run somewhere else, imitate the adorable faces you make, cook you food, feed you with my hands, remove the stains from your lips, oh.., your lips.”

She turned her face towards him, craning her neck closer to his face as she said, “yes, what about my lips?” Playfully, she moved her eyebrows upwards, emphasising upon the same. With an intent to finally kiss her, he closed his eyes and lunged his face forward. To his surprise and dismay, she instantly drew her face away from his and for what seemed like a year, silence prevailed. Trying hard not to sound desperate and hiding the hurt in his voice, he said, “I can’t even kiss you.”

She remained quiet for a while and finally spoke, “I know this might sound insane but I find kissing to be more intimate than having sex. A kiss is two lips immersed in the ferocious movements all in the name of unbound passion and yet each touch is the tenderest touch that one has ever experienced. Despite having it all, one can never have enough of it because it’s not just related to the sexual satiation. So it really has nothing to do with you, it just…”

He interrupted her and said, “It has to do with two people being together in that moment, sensing their breaths and revealing a bit of their souls, with a little bit of the inner wounded self that remains hidden from the world and yet has been yearning to be healed all this while.”

Stunned to hear those words from him, she turned to face him and they shared one of those  iconic eye-contacts. So much was said, yet not words were spoken.

And then they kissed.

Raisins

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Despite the impeccable wavelength match, you and him don’t make it. 

Overwhelmed with everyday fights, with the sickening feeling of never being understood completely, with the gross disrespect of your privacy that you so diligently guarded, with the frustration of failing every time you decided to try again, with the unexpected transformation of butterflies to burden. 

You give up. You give up on him. And for quite a while that sinking feeling refuses to go away that you have given up on everything, everything you ever craved for. 

_____________________________________________________________

As she closed the door
guilty redemption embraced
her, starving her troubles
yet pricking her conscience
she kissed her unease to
sleep, realising good and
bad are eternal lovers
like the responsibility ecstasy
brings, like the pain that
lesson brings, like the night
that moon brings, like the
dead flower that fruit brings
And she tasted her tears
of resignation, relishing her
new-found beauty as the
ordeal conceived her growth
like the commencing crack
of cocoon culminated in
unfurling of the empowered
butterfly.

                   ____________________________________________________________

He took a deep breath

Trying to absorb her beauty completely

His vivid vision was blurred by the pinching blood tears

which refused to stop flowing.

          He gave in to the sadness that had strangled his heart

Believing that by doing so he might redeem himself of

the misery that guilt brought.

She deserved so much, way more than what he could

Possibly provide. She was so easy to love and so hard to

Please. How could he let her

Go even when she meant the world to him?

He was the reason that such a feminine girl had turned

Into an icy queen whose

Eyes reeked of arrogance and who spewed

Profanities callously. He understood it well that it was

Just a fake artificial pillar

That she had built to protect her

Vulnerable heart from being slain by monsters like him.

He laid awake all night

Wanting her more than ever, desiring her touch,

And waiting for an absolution that would never come.

_____________________________________________________________

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Grievances

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Then she realised there are ways as to how people express grief. That human beings, no matter how different and contrasting to each other, will always be connected through common chords of human behaviour. Grief, experienced due to whichever futile reason, comes with an urgency to be recognised, to be felt and to be retained until time does it’s magical healing. Time will perhaps heal the wounds, they say but she sighed knowing that it doesn’t really heal them but blunts the edges so very finely that it just ceases to hurt.

One of the most impactful grievings happens during the loss of a loved one. There’s an emptiness which haunts people at times, the kind of hollowness which they know can never be filled again.The kind that laughs at them while they’re allowing the realisation to sink in that their loved one is never returning again, not because they fought with him/her, not because he/she shifted abroad, not because of any human reason but simply because he/she is dead.

Some people redeem themselves of the gnawing pain by allowing the tears to wash away the misery, by making their hearts lighter with every word they utter in the memory of that person, by trying to revive those specific emotions that were triggered by just the sight of that dear one through the means of the best capturer of memories : pictures. They try to feel something that they’ve forgotten, something that their heart yearns for until they realise they no longer can as he/she took that all away in one fleeting moment.

While others seclude themselves from the entire ‘sharing allays your sorrows’ behaviour, they become quieter and most of the time, they appear to be living in normalcy, unaffected and not even showing a single sign of the expected agony. Sometimes, they even deny the existence of any gloomy sentiment, only to acknowledge it later when it appears to be the only explanation for the continuous frenzy. The world also starts associating adjectives like stone-hearted with them for it is incapable of seeing the invisible cloak of despair that keeps them cold. And then one fine day, when others have absolved themselves of the torment, they break down in a thousand little pieces when a cold breeze passes by, stripping that cloak to shreds.

Only If

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She let’s the breeze skim through her hair

The moonlight illuminates the parts which are bare

She wonders and wonders

Will the guy on the white horse really arrive?

Or

Will he be blissfully murdered by lust & greed-hive?

She let’s the breeze enter her dress

Stars see the scars that they can caress

She wonders and wonders

Will she be able to recognise that one guy?

Or

Will she be able to know that he’s just shy?

She let’s the breeze enter her mouth, guarded

by lips that were once swollen & well-kissed

She wonders and wonders

Will she be ever able to experience love?

And she closed her eyes,

unaware of the amazing life

that was waiting to be lived,

to be explored, to be dived in.

 

And with tears welled up in her eyes, she heard herself speaking

‘Only if you would have known that I loved you

without knowing when or why.

Only if you would have lent your ears to my heart

you would’ve heard the ocean’.

Mirage

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She complained, “I have never seen your anger.I want you to be angry on me right now.”

Sensing that he wasn’t convinced,  she switched to the softer mode and began reasoning with the guy who looked at her as if she was something beyond describable,

“There shouldn’t be any side of you that I haven’t seen, right?”

She blinked her  brown eyes knowingly to coerce him further.

He looked at her big, brown, pleading eyes, cylindrical nose that had turned pink due to the winter breeze, her lips, oh her lips, that illuminated her fair complexion and wondered as to how could he bring that non-existent fury. “I can act, of course” he thought and furrowed his brows, impersonating some devilish expression as he searched for some signs of fear on her round face.

Nothing.

Instead, she burst out laughing,

“Stop! You’re the worst actor I have ever met” she claimed as she placed her hands over his shoulders and planted a kiss on his left cheek. She continued to laugh, mimicking her lover’s poor acting skills and adoring him silently.

Her laughter brought him back to life, gave him strength and made him fall for her all over again.

Later, he touched his left cheek, trying to rejuvenate the impression of her moist lips. His heart refused to leave the evening that he had spent with her. With her, time just flew.

How could he ever get angry on the girl who he loved so diligently?

But he knew that she wouldn’t understand, she will compel him to lose his temper and not every time he is going to be honoured with a kiss.

How could he ever explain to her that her presence in his life still appeared to be a mirage to him, even after a year of togetherness?

How could he ever let her know that every morning he has an ardent desire to dance when he reads her good morning love message?

How could he tell her that his heart was still overwhelmed with the ecstasy that she had accepted him to be the love of her life?

Musings

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And with each soul-wrenching touch,

you marred the beauty of what we had.
She saw him obliterate the surrealism of it all as he addicted her to his magical touch.
She struggled to breathe, torn into worlds that conspired to kill her.

Never before had she known her ability to crave and loathe something simultaneously.
Her stomach churned as she realised how grievously had she underestimated the power of the vicious sin, lust.
The pain was excruciatingly palpable.

She wouldn’t be shocked if they extracted a gargantuan boulder out of her bosom.
The irony of it all was that something so life-changing for one person could be ruthlessly casual for another.

 

Touch is the deadliest enemy of chastity, loyalty, monogamy, gentility with its codes and conventions and restraints. By touch we are betrayed and betray others and sometimes, we even betray our shrieking conscience. An accidental brushing of shoulders or touching of hands which somehow blurs the line between acceptable and unacceptable. Inadvertent brushing of the bodies when you sit too close is capable of defining the course of your relationship with that person. Hands laid on shoulders in a gesture of comfort lie there like a thief, that takes, not gives, that wants, not offers, that awakes, not pacifies.

When one flesh is waiting, there is electricity in the merest contact.

 

Gossip Girls 3

Shanaya looked at Gabrielle momentarily, shrugged her shoulders, with a non-committal face expression she cued Gabrielle to take her glass and she walked towards the window. She remained quiet for a considerably long time, asking herself the same question that had been asked to her a while ago, “Do I regret breaking up with Keith?”

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With her back towards Gabrielle, she began speaking, “I’ve often times asked myself the same question, anticipating how things would be today, after four years since we broke up, had I not parted ways with him that night. The breakup was entirely my decision and if I get a chance to go back to time, go back to being his girlfriend again, i’d still take the same decision. I chose to not get involved with him to that great an extent that would’ve made it impossible for me to heal if later in the future he would’ve decided to break up with me, no matter how unlikely it appeared then. People change, Gab. You know me, the only thing I’m scared of is being tied to something or someone. I didn’t want to tie myself down to him at that young an age. I didn’t want to accept him as the man of my life without having explored the world. I, mean yes, there’s a possibility, a sleek, tiny, little possibility that the relationship would have lasted a lifetime. But there’s also a greater possibility that it wouldn’t have been able to stand the tests of time, if that would’ve happened it would have rendered me incapable of loving someone else. The stakes were too high and at the end of the day, all for what? For a guy, who the world declared didn’t deserve a girl like me. I care less for what the world declared but i was never proud of walking beside him, of being his girl. There’s a reason why it was a secretive affair. It was his inability to take no for an answer that actually led to our relationship. He was never the guy i wanted to be with when i first saw him. Yes, when i finally gave in to the constant efforts that he made, i realised we had a chord in common and i enjoyed his company but it was his love that was the fuel to our relationship. Even when i was in that relationship, i always knew that it had an expiry date because for me, if i have to choose between loving the wrong person and not loving at all, i’d always go for the latter. I wasn’t supposed to get that involved into him, but then i did. All in all, the only thing he really had to offer me was love and i still don’t know if that’s enough.

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There was a long pause. Shanaya closed her eyes, her head resting sideways, trying to gulp down the resurfacing guilt that had haunted her being. Gabrielle knew how burdening the entire affair was for her, how she had unnecessarily carried around the guilt of breaking someone’s heart while hers was still aching, Gab said, “The best kind of love is that leaves you breathless and not the one which suffocates you. He never really understood that he’ll never have to chase someone who wants to stay with him.

Shanaya turned to face Gab who had just articulated her  emotions, she shrugged her shoulders with a smile on her face and said, “You know, what hurt the most? The amount of guilt that he inflicted upon me just to have me take him back. It took me a long time to recover from that remorse and realise that i was never responsible for his misery. He was, is and will always be responsible for his own emotions. As I look at all those things in retrospect, i realise that the unspoken reality that i can always go back to him and he’d still be waiting, still be willing to recreate the magic that we once had, made it all the more easier to part ways with him.”

Gab filled the silence and said, “I think it’s part of loving, you have to give up things and sometimes you have to give up the person. His unconditional love for you always made me curious and one day, i asked him, “Why are you so nice to her?” He replied, “It’s because she’s the weirdest, the most beautiful person i have ever met in my life. I truly believe that you only get one great girl in your life. You might have other good girls too but only one great girl that you will never forget for the rest of your life i promise you. Do not let that great girl go and do whatever it takes to keep her because you’ll regret letting her walk away.”

Shanaya walked towards the bed, lied on it, closed her eyes and said meekly, “You can’t always be somebody’s forever, i guess he learnt this lesson well.Falling in love is like diving deep into water. Some reach the surface cold and out of breath, while others never even make it back to the shore.”

beyond-imagination

 

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