I made my choice and that choice granted me the title ‘ex-girlfriend’. Every decision brings with itself an ocean of consequences, I thought I’d let you know the repercussions that entailed mine to perhaps make it easier or maybe more difficult to choose.
They glorify love by telling you that it is about falling for the darkest night with no moon, about seeing the person naked with all the deep-seated fears and anxieties which keep him/her up at night. But in all honesty, the more I got to know him, the uglier it got. I thought I loved him enough to deal with the demons. But somehow, as his facets were uncovered I was left dumbfounded by the darkness of it all and love went straight out of the window, leaving me reminiscing the lesson that the cost of knowing love is sometimes greater than any heart would willingly pay.
For a long time,
when they asked me,
“How’s it going?”
It’s all I could muster
without falling apart.
There’s a dark feeling – less than torment but more than distress that I carried within myself while I fiddling every little where : switching from group to another, from one interest to another, wondering about the what ifs and why nots. Oh it bit me, I had thought that I’d find a place to hang to, a place to call my own, a place to exist in, a place to flourish in. But some feelings sink so deep in the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again, some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.
One fine day, when I had started to feel human again, I saw a guy putting arms around his girl and I experienced a knot in my stomach. I let the wave of emotions rise from my stomach to my heart and strip away the healing wounds fresh. I allowed these emotions to make me remember the time he did the same, the way I’d be wrapped in a comfortable blanket of security as soon as he’d put his arms around me. His touch always felt different, even the accidental brushes ignited sparkles. But I couldn’t complain as I was the one who’d thrown away the love that was offered on a pedestal.
When I was asked, “What happened between you two, you looked so happy together?” I stared blankly for a moment trying to picture the happiness that people saw in us. I allowed my heart to sink and waited for it to get stoned. And then I heard myself replying,
“Relationships are very delicate. They’re like that finely knitted sweater which took hours of patience and consistency to be made. And one fine day, while you were running too fast to catch something that was already out of reach, that sweater got stuck in the sharp corner of the table which you had been planning on to get rid of. You ignore that thread which has been callously stretched out. Months from now, you’ll be looking back at this very point, asking yourself why didn’t I mend it there and then? But darling, till then, the sweater will be in shreds which no amount of repenting can repair.”
Until the separation, I thought loneliness was the sadness which one experiences because of friendlessness but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Loneliness is when you lay down at night and everything is the same – the dust on the fan, the cracks on the ceiling, the peeking bathroom light, the green walls, the wrinkles of the bed sheet; except they’re all burning with rage because they are only looking at one person.
After months of having swollen eyes and a constant heartache, a concerned friend of mine told me that swans only have one partner for their entire life. If they are separated from that partner, they can die of a broken heart. It took me that to realise that I wasn’t a swan and as soon as a new romance started to bloom, I got a handwritten letter from my ex-boyfriend. It smelled of him :
‘The mere thought of him touching you the way I did fills me with a certain kind of numbness. It makes me wonder about the kind of ways in which people hurt each other. Some take the knife and stab it in your heart. While others aren’t done with just stabbing, they hold it there and twist it with their all, until your heart stops beating.
You have no idea how tormenting it is for me to realise that you belonged to the latter.
You threw it all away.
Every little bit of it.
Does he really love you like I loved you?
The bottom line is :
If you could taste the best of happiness momentarily, but you knew from the start that it wouldn’t last forever, cause sadness and bring pain inevitably, would you choose to have that happiness or would you let it go?